Written By Jensen, Jeff
Entertainment Weekly April 2007

FULL HOUSE
EW monitors the symptoms of tv's crankiest medical drama, from pet rats and monster trucks to those pesky poisoned pants

Deconstructing the FOX drama House from A to Z is like solving the medical mysteries the hit series is famous for: You don't quite know where to begin, and you'll be surprised where you end up. For example: Should A stand for atrophy, referring to the rotting muscle in Dr. Gregory House's right leg? Or for ass, referring to the gimpy genius' unapologetically prickly personality? "Actually, I think A should stand for my ass," says costar Lisa Edelstein (who plays his boss, Dr. Cuddy), alluding to House's horndoggy fixation with her derriere. Torn, we left it to House himself to settle the matter: "I think A should stand for appropriate," says star Hugh Laurie. "Let that thought guide you". We ultimately didn't follow the doctor's orders- even though they're coming from one of the most compelling characters in TV history. For those familiar with the fearsome physician, consider this an insider's guide with insight from Laurie, Edelstein, and creator David Shore; for the few who aren't, consider it an introduction. Everything from killer microbes to kller sex is covered, although one answer you won't find is a definitive diagnosis of House himself. Victim or victimizer? Redeemable or unsalvageable? Laurie hopes such questions are never answered. "So much drama is overexplained, and House has thrived by avoiding the pat and the transparent," he says. "I don't know myself most of the time what's going on inside people's heads- and I'm not sure I want to know."

D Differential Diagnosis
The term for House's claim to fame- cracking madical puzzles other docs can't solve. Shore's true confession; "To my knowledge, there is no such thing as a 'differential diagnosis' department." House's tense rapport with his DD team has grown even more strained after he faked having brain cancer (In order to score an experimental painkiller). "He's on his ninth life with them," says Laurie.

E "Everybody Lies"
House's mantra, based on his cynical yet unusually accurate assumption that patients are always hiding something. Like the case of the lady with African sleeping sickness who swore she'd never been to Africa...while neglecting to mention she was cheating on her husband with someone who had been there.

F Father Issues
Chase's late dad was a famous physician who abandoned him as a child. Foreman's deeply religious pop is disappointed by his son's lack of faith. And House's father was a demented disciplinarian who made him bathe in ice if he misbehaved.

G Gunshot
After Doc Tactless told a patient of her husband's cheating, she killed herself. Then the hubby (Elias Koteas) shot House. Shore wanted House to wrestle with the cost of his ruthless rationalism out of concern that his antihero could be a role model. "That thought scared me a bit," says Shore.

H Honda Motorcycle
Inspired partly by Laurie's two-wheeled passion, House's bike is his preferred mode of transport. Isn't that risky for a guys with a bum leg? "He's a man with a self-destructive streak and a bit of a daredevil side," says Laurie.

I Infarction
The source of pain in House's life, at least physically. This is the term for the clot that crippled his right thigh, making him dependent on a cane and pills. The idea was to give the brilliant House an ironic fatal flaw. "Unfortunately, characters who are pillars of strength aren't all that interesting," quips Laurie.

J Jazz Music
House is a big fan of the genre. In fact, prior to becoming a doctor, he played piano in a jazz trio. Laurie thinks House's tastes are fitting: "Jazz is an endless tension between major and minor, which is where a bluesman lives, yet remember he's also fond of the hard logic of Bach. I think there's a romantic under all that crust, so I suspect he's got some Beethoven in his closet, too."

K Killing Patients
While very few have died under House's care, viewers can expect it to happen again soon. "House does believe that practicing medicine the way he does, he will make mistakes," says Shore. "But ulitmately, he believes he will save more people then he will kill."

L Lupus
The rare disease is usually a suspect in any House mystery, but has never yet been proved guilty of any health-sapping crimes. Lupus gets name-checked so much on House that Shore was given an award by the nonprofit organization Lupus L.A. for spreading awareness of the illness.

M Monster Trucks
One of House's many decidedly low-culture passions; he even once took Cameron to a monster-truck rally on a quasi-date. During lunch breaks- or while trying to evade clinic duty- House has been known to hide in various corners of the hospital to watch soap operas or play videogames. "He certainly has a jevenile streak," says Laurie.

N Neurocystercercosis
The solution to the very first House medical mystery, and the fancy way of saying "You've got a nest of parasites growing inside of you." Shore used the illness to establish a number of House themes- uncooperative, the indignity of illness, and the unpleasantness of hospitals.

O Occam's Razor
A principle attributed to 14th century egghead William of Occam: The simplest solution tends to be the best one. Says Shore: "It's how we approach these mysteries- take something predictable, then find ways to make it unpredictable for close to an hour."

P Poisoned Pants
In a memorable season 1 outing inspired by a true story, two sick kids lead House and his team to suspect they've been poisoned. They ultimately figure out that the boys bought some jeans off a truck that had been doused with toxic pesticide. A whole new definition of "hot pants."

Q Quips
Shore's favorite brutal bon mot, crafted with Laurie, dealt with a nun suffering from a long forgotten contraceptive: "You know how it is with nuns- you take out their IUDs, and they just bounce right back." Laurie says the cast judges shows on their potential to spawn catchphrase bearing shirts- a "five- T-shirt script" being top-notch.

R Rats
House has a little- seen pet rodent named Steve McQueen, which he caught in the attic of his former flame, Stacy Warner. The mad doctor nearly killed the rat when he used it as a guinea pig to solve the Case of the Poisoned Pigeon Poop. Steve McQueen won't be rearing his whiskered mug again anytime soon- but House will be getting a dog in an upcoming episode.

S Sex Kills
Title of an ironic tale involving STDs, bad tickers, and pre-Heroes Greg Grunberg, and a good way to sum up a large genre of House mysteries. Whey the obsession with hanky-panky? "Sex doesn't kill people- secrets kill people," says executive producer Katie Jacobs. "Most secrets are related to sex, therefore, lots of sex on House." In other words, House is just like Grey's Anatomy? Hmm.

T Tritter, Michael
To acknowledge the hypocrisy and legal reality of his addiction, producers pitted House against this crabby cop (played by David Morse). House beat the rap by faking his way through rehab- and manipulating Cuddy to lie in court. "It showed the effect House's problem has on people around him," says Edelstein.

U Unknown Cause
There's been just one mystery that's defied House's diagnostic prowess, and only because the dead patient's family refused an autopsy. In season 2, another case finally solved the puzzle: It was Erdheim- Chester, a disease that's been documented only 200 times in history. Shore promises that before the series ends, House will confront another unbeatable challenge.

V Vogler, Edward
An unscrupulous pharmaceutical magnate who briefly assumed control of the hospital, Vogler (Chi McBride) was an attempt to give House a villain- an idea mandated by FOX during House's rocky start. Ironically, by the time the Vogler episodes actually aired, House was a hit. Shore says there's no desire to bring Vogler back, adding that the boss-as-villain idea doesn't really work for the show, anyway: "It's called House. The audiance knows he'll never get fired."

W Warner, Stacy
"The true love that got away," says Shore of House's ex-paramour, played by Sela Ward. Last season, when Warner started working at House's hospital, they rekindled their romance- until House, guilty over sabotaging her marriage, broke it off. Wilson's theory? The self-pitying narcissist just can't allow himself any kind of happiness.

X XX- or Xy?
A twisted take on the classic House MO: A supermodel is admitted to the hospital with a bevy of symptoms. Dangerous tests are performed and diagnoses considered (Viral encephalitis? Parancoplastic syndrome?) before House has a eureka moement- she is actually a pseudohermaphrodite and has testicular cancer.

Y Yuck
A bloody explosion south of the belt buckle, a loose eyeball, a barf galore: House is always good for a gross-out. Great pride is taken in this work. In one episode, a shot of a musical guest star's brain had to be tweaked with F/X. "It looked too much like a crouton," says Jacobs. "It was very hard to get Dave Matthews' brain exactly right.

Z Zebra
In the pilot, Foreman relates a medical school maxim that "if you hear hoofbeats, you think horses, not zebras"- meaning that doctors should hunt for the expected, not the unexpected. House, says Shore, is all about searching for zebras. Early on he worried they'd run out of zebras. Not anymore. "Turns out the world is full of weird diseases," says Shore. "Bad for the world- good for us."